I’ve had a burden for a very long time, and oftentimes it is this very burden that I want nothing to do with.
It is sort of a love/hate relationship where I love the person it turns me into but I also hate the person it has turned me into.
There is a lot of talk out there about calling. It is what the greater of humanity chases after. Purpose. Identity.
It is a difficult thing to do. This you will quickly realize the more time you spend on this earth. We all have some frame of reference. For some, it is the media and for others, it can be any of the following; their jobs, their parents, their schools, their friends or even those they look up to.
There is very little talk however about our identities in Christ and maybe that isn’t entirely our fault and maybe it is?
I mean who can know the mind of God (1 Corinthians 2:11) right? Is it even possible? And, if we cannot know the mind of God how can we know His desires for us?
I think the answer is in 1 Corinthians 2:11. The word of God says that only the Spirit of God can understand the thoughts of God. So for us to know “the thoughts He has for us” (Jeremiah 29:11) we need to have His Spirit within us.
That is where a lot of us go wrong, including me. We are not imbued with enough of His Spirit, to the extent that we are always questioning even the little truths He has revealed. We eventually all perish because of our lack of knowledge and sink into the pool of societies’ lies (Hosea 4:6).
This is my predicament. This is why I started with the scripture at the beginning of this article. I believe I have a part of God’s Spirit in me, its been enough to give me hints and deep impressions in my heart but because it just isn’t enough I often question a lot of things.
In the portion of scripture at the top, Bezalel and Aholiab were called by name and given a specific work to do. God just didn’t leave it there, He gave them all the wisdom and skills they needed not only to do the work perfectly but to teach the work to others. It was a divine calling without question.
They knew who they were, they knew what they had to do and they were equipped with all they needed to do it. They didn’t need to go searching for any other purpose.
This is where I struggle.
I believe God has called me. I believe He has called me specifically. I believe over the years He has built within me the skills and the wisdom not only to do but also to teach. I even believe He has shown me where I should do the work. But I still doubt.
I doubt because at times I procrastinate out of fear and because I am still a bit drunk on worldly wisdom. I also doubt because I believe I have very little God in me as compared to what I should have.
Often times I lack discernment and cannot tell truth from lies. I doubt because I do not trust, at least not enough.
So even though I am called by name and given all I need to do what I need to do, I do not fully grasp it and believe it, so I am easily swayed.
As a result of all of this, I am often depressed and I often pray that God takes it all away, the name, the skills and the calling. Maybe then will I have peace.
But even the thought of that scares me. To be less than who I truly am. To settle for mediocrity. So be okay with the lie. To be led here and there by every wind.
It is such a violent battle, one I fight pretty much every day and I believe I am not the only one.
But there is a statement that Matthew Henry once said that really woke me up to the need to trust even that small little voice inside me. To be fearless. To be single-minded.
It’s a pretty deep statement right? But how does it fit into all of this?
Well, sanctification is a progressive journey. Who we were yesterday is certainly not who we are today and certainly will not be who we will be tomorrow.
At times we are not as connected to God or our callings as we should be but, if we cannot read from the plainest things, from experience, providence, conscience or interest, what more can be done to assure us?
These few words were a real encouragement to me. They helped me understand that I do not have to be perfect or understand everything now but, if I have heard my name being called and if I have been given the skills to do and to teach, then in those times when heaven seems silent all I need to do is look back on experience, providence, that pesky consciousness and even my interests and go forward in faith.
The honest truth is, we will have to be noticeably different and strange to the world if we are to fulfill our callings and yes, doubts and fears will arise but we are of the type that takes leaps of faith. The things we do will not always be logical or universally accepted but that is how God’s kingdom runs.
At the end of the day, the only question that remains is, “to be, or not to be”.
Answer that question and then, go forward.